Tuesday, June 2, 2009

My Shitty Monday Evening

I try not to swear too often, and usually reserve the 'S' word for stubbing my toe, or particularly bad news. But here I mean it in the literal sense - we had a very shitty evening last night.

I need to preface this by saying we have had a long, arduous journey getting our now 3 year old to poop regularly. As early as 6 months, she would wait 3 weeks to poop, but the doctor said she was fine. After a couple years, a lot of tears, and a few posts about it, we're finally at the point where she goes semi-regularly, sans suppository. We're not neglectful parents. We feed her so much fiber, and so little animal, that I cannot understand why it's turned out this way. She starts the day with ground-up flaxseed in her yogurt, we force her to chug prune juice, and we are a die-hard dried fruit eating family. It doesn't add up.

Anyway, last night around dinner time (of black beans and sweet potato, no less), I noticed she was acting funny, doing her little dance, and saying her tummy hurt. No amount of cajoling would get her to sit on the potty. That's when I had to put her there by force. Meanwhile, Avi (who has nooooo problem pooping 2-3 times a day), is stuck in her highchair, screaming like a banshee, and emptying the contents of her bowl on her head. Screams are coming from Nourit as I force a suppository up her bum (oh, the joys of motherhood), and from Avi as I'm neglecting her. Finally, Nourit poops, we flush and wash, and she assumes the couch potato position while I put in an opera for her to watch. (Yes, we bribe our kids with opera dvds.)

Back to Avi, to wash off all the bean crud from her hands and head, then back to Nourit who is still looking like she's in pain (and it's not from the Queen of the Night's high notes.) Back to the potty, tears streaming down her little 3 year old face (and nearly on mine.) Another HUGE poop, which, incidentally, is too big to flush down and comes back up. I flush a second time.

At this point, I decide to dunk these children in a warm, calming bubble bath, which seems to do the trick. Halfway through, Avi looks like she could do her duty, so I carry her, dripping, over to Nourit's potty seat. We are definitely not potty training her at this age, but I know she has fun when she gets to walk in Nourit's shoes (or sit in Nourit's potty seat!) She makes some fake grunting noises and faces, then motions back to the tub, so back she goes. Then, Nourit is ready to come out first, so I get her into pajamas and brush her teeth while Avi continues to splash and make little tooting noises. But wait, those aren't toots. SHE POOPED IN THE BATHTUB! My freshly scrubbed bathtub! (The cleaning lady had left only hours before.) Yuck! Not only that, the tub is having trouble draining, and the plumber hadn't come to fix it yet. Double yuck!

Somehow, I get both children, clean and warm, into bed and to sleep. I wash the tub as best I can, and dump half a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the bottom. Mike comes home from his meeting, we quickly swap stories, and I sit down to work on my lesson plan for Music Together. I say to Mike that our house still smells faintly of poop, thinking it's just a holdover from the evening's activities. I go in Nourit's room to kiss her goodnight, and realize she pooped in her pajamas while she slept. We drag her out of bed to clean her up, and as I flush that final nugget down the toilet, it overflows. Right onto the freshly mopped floor.

Epilogue: I put a huge load of towels and poopy underpants in the washer with double detergent, and re-mop the bathroom floor. Finally, my pajamas are on, my contacts are out, and my teeth are brushed (but I can't use the toilet because Mike hasn't plunged it yet.) I stumble out of the bathroom to make that request, only to stub my toe on the toy car that's in the middle of the hallway. "Wheeeee, let's go for a ride!" a warped woman's voice screeches as I dive for the Off button. Shit!


Marketing Mommy said...

Wow, that is a shitty evening. At least you got a good story out of it.

Casey and Karen said...

Oh my word. That is too funny. Sorry to be laughing at your expense! And I'm all for little ones on the potty! Kinsley hasn't pooped in her diaper in months...it's great :) She did go once in the tub recently while Case was washing her. Let's just say he didn't handle it very well and Mommy had to come to the rescue. Hope your Tuesday evening is far less shitty ;)

Emily and Andreas said...

Oh dear, Liz, I am so sorry! You have a great way of putting the experience into words, though! I had a similar experience in May: feeling extra tired one morning, I changed Joshua's poopy diaper and then set it on the window sill so he couldn't reach it on the changing table. Then I let him play in his room for 15 minutes while I ran to get dressed and ready to take him to play group. When I came back to get him, I was greeted by a nightmarish sight: I'd forgotten to put the diaper out in the pail on the balcony, and low and behold, Joshua had gotten a hold of the big burrito, opened it up, and smeared it over half of the floor of his room, on the chair and dresser, the door, and several toys (a cooking spoon was absolutely caked in poop), not to mention all over his front, from face and pacifier right down to his toes. I didn't know whether to cry, scream, or laugh. Figured none of that would help, so I got Joshua into the bath and then put him in his bed while I spent the next hour de-pooping the room. Did I mention the stink?!

JenD said...

very funny....we use miralax every couple days and it does wonders for our 8 year old. you can buy it over the counter at any drug store. good luck

Kim Moldofsky said...

Still working my way down to you CMB post! OMG, this post is like a flashback for me. We had years of dealing with this issue with my older boy who is now 11. I can relate to, as Alma puts it, your shitty evening.